Help for 'stuck' conversations.

Free help for 'stuck' conversations. I use this one with my wife.....It works!

BEING HEARD EXERCISE

This exercise has been designed to help couples to move beyond the anger*** and defensiveness that have kept them from hearing each other and from being heard. This exercise is simple…but may be, at times, hard to do.

1^st. Both must agree to all of the rules and to a time and place. If it is not convenient for one person then that person needs to come up with an alternative time within 24 hrs (hopefully sooner)

2^nd You must decide which one of you will ‘listen’ first and which one of you will ‘talk’ about issues first.

3^rd The ‘talking’ person can talk about anything they want (relationship conflict, problems as they see it, or anything else) for 3 minutes. The ‘listening’ person tries to understand the issues from the ‘talking persons perspective. Having a note pad is helpful, writing down exact quotes with special emphasize on any feelings of the ‘talking’ person.

4^th At the end of 3 minutes the ‘talking’ person gives the listening person 2 compliments or attributes of the listening person. Examples are especially helpful. (i.e. “I liked the way you take time to make me coffee. It shows commitment to us and I feel loved.”). The ‘listening’ person gets to decide whether they like the compliments (did it feel good?) or not.

5^th The ‘listening person ‘feedsback’ what they heard. This is the most difficult part. The ‘listening person needs to think of themselves like a court stenographer or tape recorder. Don’t interpret what the ‘talking’ person said. Just the facts as the ‘talking person said them….’feedback’the exact phrases and feelings. Remember the ‘talking’ person is ALWAYS the expert in what they say. (even if you believe it’s not true). The goal is for the ‘talking’ person to feel understood.

6th Now reverse the process. The ‘talking’ person is the ‘listening’ person and visa versa.

“DIALING DOWN” OUR ANGER

Anger is one of the filters that commonly blocks communication. Anger is a powerful emotion that allows us to know when something needs our attention. However anger is a secondary emotion. It usually comes up in reaction to something someone else has done.

If we can “dial down” to a level just below our anger, it is sometimes possible for us to find out what we are reacting to -- the core feeling that has been activated in us -- the most important emotion we need to identify and communicate to our partner. It requires some vulnerability to do this. Not everyone is comfortable with feeling guilty or sad or anxious. But these are the feelings that need to be identified and shared if true communication is going to take place.

Serenity and Humility

Humility is The Central way to stay connected to reality. The latin root Humus i.e earth, ground^[1]) refers to any organic matter that has reached a point of stability. Our mind skews reality toward ourselves....our own importance. This tendency causes us alot of pain and problems. We worry about our image, our future. We think of ourselves being more (narcisstic) or less (neurotic) We can't get ourselves out of our head. The world however is not limited to our self involved thoughts.

The Buddhists remind us "Our suffering is caused by our expectations"

Try practicing being in the moment. Notice how constant the inner chatter is keeping us feeling separate. Just be present. You can have serenity.

Sex Addicts see a distorted reality.

It can be said that all mental problems have something in common...a predictable detachment from reality. Sex addiction is no different. These detachments from reality are very predictable. Addicts frequently have thoughts such as "what my wife doesn't know won't hurt" or "all guys cheat" or "I just have a high sex drive" or "I'll stop after this" or "I can this...it's not that bad" Sex Addicts have different thinking about sex than non sex addicts.

Sex addicts forget or deny the consequences of their behavior. Amazingly sex addicts, when moving toward acting out, cannot remember how bad they feel after they have visited a prostitute or had anonymous sex with a stranger or how it depressing to have 'failed again' after a 3 hour binge on pornography. Often addicts think that sex is their most important need....like heroin and a user.

Similarly Alcoholics can't remember how bad the last hangover felt but only the 'feel better' of the next drink.

Sex addicts don't see that their addiction is eating away at all that is meaningful and joyful in their lives often putting their jobs, relationships and creative pursuits at risk.

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? | Sex Addiction

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? Sex Addiction

A good article, however most men who see prostitutes are not lacking in social skills in fact quite the reverse. Sex Addicts often have very good social skills. It is problematic for men especially if the use sex as a 'defense' to have sex with a partner who knows them. The function of addiction is using pleasure to run from feelings.

The Abundant Life

Recovery from Addiction is not primarily about stopping something! In Alcoholics Anonymous stopping drinking is called a "dry drunk" In Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous stopping sex or romance is often just sexual/romantic anorexia....i.e. avoiding sex/romance is not the goal.

The Goal of recovery is to have life more abundantly....addictions prevent the abundant life. Addictions just make the abundant life unlikely if not impossible. Addictions move away from creativity, anything meaningful and intimacy with ourselves and others. Ironically, addicts think of recovery as some form of 'dieting'.... as deprivation.

Are We Really as Sick as our Secrets???

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Even in the fourth century B.C., Plato touched upon the subject of anonymity and morality in his parable of the ring of Gyges. That mythical ring gave its owner the power of invisibility, and Plato observed that even a habitually just man who possessed such a ring would become a thief, knowing that he couldn’t be caught. Morality, Plato argues, comes from full disclosure; without accountability for our actions we would all behave unjustly".

All addicts not in recovery lie/mislead those around them. Accountability is unlikely if it leads to severe consequences. Full disclosure make addictions difficult. We would then have to be responsible for our actions and feelings. And if are fully response-able then we would deal with life directly make the possibility of a more directly 'abundant life' possible and likely.

From the DIGITAL DHRAMA

"There’s an oft-heard maxim in the recovery community: “We’re as sick as our secrets.” Every now and then you will hear someone mention it at a meeting or occasionally in private conversation—often as punctuation for a particularly typical story that someone has told. We may say these things—may in fact occasionally give them some thought—but I suspect that many of us do not follow this particular thought through to its logical conclusion.

Just what secrets are we talking about? Certainly we all have things about our pasts that we would just as soon were not public knowledge. Some of us even have things that we swore we would never tell to another human being. When, however, we limit ourselves only to the secrets of the past, we are only addressing part of the problem.

How many unpleasant little secrets are we harboring today? We tell ourselves that we are “happy, joyous and free,” but just how free are we? I put it to you that if we are harboring anything that we would not willingly tell another person, then there are issues in our lives that need to be addressed, whether or not they seem to have anything to do with addiction and recovery.

If recovery were only about not sexing drinking, and drugging, the problem would be solved by a few days, weeks, or—at most—months of abstinence. The obvious fact that addicts often relapse weeks, months, even decades after becoming abstinent is proof that there is more to it than merely staying off the sauce. Addicts and alcoholics are, by definition, people who do not know how to live normal lives. Many of us arrested our normal growth at a very early age, by changing the focus of our lives from the process of maturation to the acquisition and use of our drugs of choice (whether chemical or not).

If we have been thus handicapped since our early adulthood or, in many cases, since early adolescence or even before, we will have failed to learn a great many crucial living skills, such as handling personal finances, applying for jobs, keeping our surroundings neat and clean, and so forth. Parents or other caregivers who unconsciously resisted our growing up and leaving the nest may even have exacerbated this. The way in which our perception and use of these abilities is skewed over time by addictive disease means that a period of re-programming to a balanced view of life will almost certainly be required before we can again assume our places as parents, spouses, employees, employers, and so forth.

This is what recovery is about: learning or relearning, after years of dysfunction, the skills of normal living. Until we are well on the way to doing so, our inadequacies may combine with situations of high stress and convince us that we might as well return to drugs, alcohol and/or other addictions, since this recovery thing is not working all that well for us. This is why we need supports—people who have made their way successfully through the confusion and fear inherent in “growing up all over again,” and who are able to help us over the rough spots.

By now you may have lost track of the secrets issue, or may think that I have. Nope. There is more to living a recovering lifestyle than simply learning a new bag of tricks, for as we become more skillful at living we also become more skillful at putting up a good front and making ourselves look good (perhaps even to ourselves) when in fact our behavior may not be as healthy as we think."

Are we willing to really see ourselves as others see us? To quit the life of "quiet desperation". To have people who understand us deeply and set us free from our oppressive secrets. If we have kind understanding support we may choose the path of recovery.....of abundance.

Don L. Mathews MFT,
Director, Impulse Treatment Center

Rachel Uchitel Defends Love Addiction, Shares Plan to Taser People | PopEater.com

Rachel Uchitel Defends Love Addiction, Shares Plan to Taser People | PopEater.com: "http://www.popeater.com/2010/12/01/rachel-uchitel-love-addiction-celebrity-rehab/

Excellent article on Love addiction Recovery