Help for 'stuck' conversations.

Free help for 'stuck' conversations. I use this one with my wife.....It works!

BEING HEARD EXERCISE

This exercise has been designed to help couples to move beyond the anger*** and defensiveness that have kept them from hearing each other and from being heard. This exercise is simple…but may be, at times, hard to do.

1^st. Both must agree to all of the rules and to a time and place. If it is not convenient for one person then that person needs to come up with an alternative time within 24 hrs (hopefully sooner)

2^nd You must decide which one of you will ‘listen’ first and which one of you will ‘talk’ about issues first.

3^rd The ‘talking’ person can talk about anything they want (relationship conflict, problems as they see it, or anything else) for 3 minutes. The ‘listening’ person tries to understand the issues from the ‘talking persons perspective. Having a note pad is helpful, writing down exact quotes with special emphasize on any feelings of the ‘talking’ person.

4^th At the end of 3 minutes the ‘talking’ person gives the listening person 2 compliments or attributes of the listening person. Examples are especially helpful. (i.e. “I liked the way you take time to make me coffee. It shows commitment to us and I feel loved.”). The ‘listening’ person gets to decide whether they like the compliments (did it feel good?) or not.

5^th The ‘listening person ‘feedsback’ what they heard. This is the most difficult part. The ‘listening person needs to think of themselves like a court stenographer or tape recorder. Don’t interpret what the ‘talking’ person said. Just the facts as the ‘talking person said them….’feedback’the exact phrases and feelings. Remember the ‘talking’ person is ALWAYS the expert in what they say. (even if you believe it’s not true). The goal is for the ‘talking’ person to feel understood.

6th Now reverse the process. The ‘talking’ person is the ‘listening’ person and visa versa.

“DIALING DOWN” OUR ANGER

Anger is one of the filters that commonly blocks communication. Anger is a powerful emotion that allows us to know when something needs our attention. However anger is a secondary emotion. It usually comes up in reaction to something someone else has done.

If we can “dial down” to a level just below our anger, it is sometimes possible for us to find out what we are reacting to -- the core feeling that has been activated in us -- the most important emotion we need to identify and communicate to our partner. It requires some vulnerability to do this. Not everyone is comfortable with feeling guilty or sad or anxious. But these are the feelings that need to be identified and shared if true communication is going to take place.