Sex Addiction...the intimacy disorder

Sex Addiction has been called by many experts (myself included) as an intimacy disorder. Interestingly 'sex addicts' are probably more sensitive to others feelings and often considered 'nice guys' (well liked).....so how can this group have an intimacy disorder? Sex addicts have two major problems areas. The 1st area is having a sex addiction itself. Sex addiction is, like all addictions, ways to 'check out' emotionally. Partners often feel disconnected. "What's in his head" they often ask. Addicts have a history of being raised to look good and be good.....not to be real about emotions or behaviors. Addicts learn to take care of their own emotional needs because deep down they have shame/guilt pockets in their personalities. Sex feels good and is intense enough to sooth these feelings. Ironically sex for a sex addict is easier to do if one is not too close emotionally (like a partner or spouse).
Secrets are the second area of intimacy damage.... especially when they have a major negative impact on one's partner. Trust is undermined . Without trust sustained intimacy is impossible. Addicts need practice in intimacy which is why group therapy or 12 step is the prefered treatment. Sex addicts need sobriety and honesty....and they can't do intimacy without others

Peace of mind or being 'Grounded'

To be 'in touch' with ourselves is necessary and difficult. To feel what is actually going on inside especially deeper more subtle feelings is how we stay 'grounded' or have more inner peace Checking in with others through therapy, 12 step meetings, friends etc. are very necessary to be in recovery. Not just, as recoverying people, because we are commited to being accountable but because it gives us 'feedback' from others and a conscious way of sorting things out.

Checking in with just oneself through journaling, meditation/prayer or just being quiet is also very helpful. We drill down into our deeper feelings by trying to consiously feel them. Feelings are very important pieces of information about ourselves and how we perceive things. Feelings are the 'go between' between the environment and ourselves. If we lose 'touch' with ourselves our lives will be joyless and without passion.

This inner world of feelings is what some call our "inner child" The precious, vulnerable center of our being....where passion, creativity, spirituality and intuition come from.

Don L. Mathews MFT

Developing intimate friendships

Recovery calls for deep friendship. Friends we let see deep inside us....the "real" self.....and we can see deep inside them. We can't do recovery by ourselves. Many have tried. We have to risk looking bad. Breaking shame/guilt takes taking the risk to let others see where we have fallen short. Recovery is about breaking the old family patterns of looking good and secretly getting our needs met thru meaningless sexual behaviors.

Don Mathews MFT

Courage...

It takes courage to get better. Courage to admit we are less than we hoped. Then we don't lose as much energy defending ourselves. We see others getting better in their recovery and that strengthens us. We find our stories of addiction actually helps others. DLM

Starting Out....

Recovery starts with being honest. Honesty with another person is the foundation of all that follows. To look directly at problems, to deal with problems, to not be burdened with shame and guilt....we need help from others. Many try to stop addictions by themselves....usually because of embaressment. This is where courage is necessary. Warning though....you need to find a helpful, compassionate listener you can trust.

Don Mathews MFT

Becoming whole.

Sex addicts are split off from themselves and others. Our public self....our secret self. We lose integrity because of this split. We are in a bind between the pleasure offered by the addiction and not wanting to deal with the consequences. So we decide to just not tell anyone. We are only as sick as our secrets. Our 'real' self suffers because we know deep down we are living a lie. This lie attacks our self esteem.

Regular honesty and accountability are necessary to break this internal split. But whom to talk with??? What would people think of you??? It takes courage to be in recovery...to heal the split...to confront that shame and guilt. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying "I need help, I can't do this alone." So much moreso for sex addicts because of the shame/guilt. Along with 'turning over' the secret addiction to others is the relief of stepping out from under the heavy load of secrecy. Most sex addicts especially those in relationships feel better/lighter beginning recovery (which begins with honesty).

The partner/spouse may feel worse which is why we started a Partners of Sex Addicts Program. The largest longest running program of it's kind. Partners often break their own integrity in 'checking on ' or 'trying to hurt' or 'threatening' or 'ignoring' or 'going along with the addict behaviors' or just 'staying in a relationship that is so dysfunctunal'. CoAddicts have to deal with the reality of their own predicament.

More will be revealed.....

Don L. Mathews MFT

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You can tweet me at www.twitter.com/impulsecenter with questions or ideas. Don M

Facing the Shadow

Many of you know me. I've counseled so many sex addicts for the past 25 years I've lost count. Helping men and a few woman 'Out of the Shadow'. The secret life. A meaningless, mesmerizing, sweaty stroll thru life ...from porn to affairs, chat rooms, cybersex, prostitutes fetishes....legal problems, broken relationships, money issues and always shame and guilt.....until recovery. So many many men have told me how dramatic the change has been. To live a life of honesty and integrity. To like oneself. To not feel so driven or at least not heading for the worst 'acting out' anymore.

Different than traditional therapy where the goal is to go into ones 'family of origin' and review it from different angles ...hoping that there will be a 'break thru' that will miraculously bring relief from Sex Addiction. Sexual Addiction is closer to habit formation (strong neural pathways in the brain) than a traumatic event. Even though, many do have strong negative events 'how do those cause an addiction?' The need to run from negative feelings is central in understanding the 'cause'

I've also noticed many who have prayed or meditated hoping for a miracle. "Cheap Grace' as some call it. The vast majority of people do not stop compulsive sex this way. We need other recovering people. I asked one of my groups the other day "Which helps you more a therapist (including me) or the caring accountablity of other recovering 'brothers in recover'. All agreed a close caring support group. At Impulse Treatment Center we have 10 groups and are on the verge of moving to a larger office. Many in our program become very close.. life long buddies. Many people in our program augment our program with 12 step groups.....many don't. It really comes down to what is working for each person.

NextBlog ...It's not as much about giving up sex as about honesty....It's more about becoming more of who you are...your real self.

Don L. Mathews MFT, Director http://www.sexaddicttreatment.net/
Impulse Treatment Center
2940 Camino Diablo Ste 110 email ImpulseCenter@Gmail.com
Walnut Creek CA
(925) 280 6700