Great NewsWeek Article

A wonderful article on Sex Addiction came out yesterday in NewsWeek based on Sex Addicts themselves. http://bit.ly/rylmi7

Help for 'stuck' conversations.

Free help for 'stuck' conversations. I use this one with my wife.....It works!

BEING HEARD EXERCISE

This exercise has been designed to help couples to move beyond the anger*** and defensiveness that have kept them from hearing each other and from being heard. This exercise is simple…but may be, at times, hard to do.

1^st. Both must agree to all of the rules and to a time and place. If it is not convenient for one person then that person needs to come up with an alternative time within 24 hrs (hopefully sooner)

2^nd You must decide which one of you will ‘listen’ first and which one of you will ‘talk’ about issues first.

3^rd The ‘talking’ person can talk about anything they want (relationship conflict, problems as they see it, or anything else) for 3 minutes. The ‘listening’ person tries to understand the issues from the ‘talking persons perspective. Having a note pad is helpful, writing down exact quotes with special emphasize on any feelings of the ‘talking’ person.

4^th At the end of 3 minutes the ‘talking’ person gives the listening person 2 compliments or attributes of the listening person. Examples are especially helpful. (i.e. “I liked the way you take time to make me coffee. It shows commitment to us and I feel loved.”). The ‘listening’ person gets to decide whether they like the compliments (did it feel good?) or not.

5^th The ‘listening person ‘feedsback’ what they heard. This is the most difficult part. The ‘listening person needs to think of themselves like a court stenographer or tape recorder. Don’t interpret what the ‘talking’ person said. Just the facts as the ‘talking person said them….’feedback’the exact phrases and feelings. Remember the ‘talking’ person is ALWAYS the expert in what they say. (even if you believe it’s not true). The goal is for the ‘talking’ person to feel understood.

6th Now reverse the process. The ‘talking’ person is the ‘listening’ person and visa versa.

“DIALING DOWN” OUR ANGER

Anger is one of the filters that commonly blocks communication. Anger is a powerful emotion that allows us to know when something needs our attention. However anger is a secondary emotion. It usually comes up in reaction to something someone else has done.

If we can “dial down” to a level just below our anger, it is sometimes possible for us to find out what we are reacting to -- the core feeling that has been activated in us -- the most important emotion we need to identify and communicate to our partner. It requires some vulnerability to do this. Not everyone is comfortable with feeling guilty or sad or anxious. But these are the feelings that need to be identified and shared if true communication is going to take place.

Serenity and Humility

Humility is The Central way to stay connected to reality. The latin root Humus i.e earth, ground^[1]) refers to any organic matter that has reached a point of stability. Our mind skews reality toward ourselves....our own importance. This tendency causes us alot of pain and problems. We worry about our image, our future. We think of ourselves being more (narcisstic) or less (neurotic) We can't get ourselves out of our head. The world however is not limited to our self involved thoughts.

The Buddhists remind us "Our suffering is caused by our expectations"

Try practicing being in the moment. Notice how constant the inner chatter is keeping us feeling separate. Just be present. You can have serenity.

Sex Addicts see a distorted reality.

It can be said that all mental problems have something in common...a predictable detachment from reality. Sex addiction is no different. These detachments from reality are very predictable. Addicts frequently have thoughts such as "what my wife doesn't know won't hurt" or "all guys cheat" or "I just have a high sex drive" or "I'll stop after this" or "I can this...it's not that bad" Sex Addicts have different thinking about sex than non sex addicts.

Sex addicts forget or deny the consequences of their behavior. Amazingly sex addicts, when moving toward acting out, cannot remember how bad they feel after they have visited a prostitute or had anonymous sex with a stranger or how it depressing to have 'failed again' after a 3 hour binge on pornography. Often addicts think that sex is their most important need....like heroin and a user.

Similarly Alcoholics can't remember how bad the last hangover felt but only the 'feel better' of the next drink.

Sex addicts don't see that their addiction is eating away at all that is meaningful and joyful in their lives often putting their jobs, relationships and creative pursuits at risk.

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? | Sex Addiction

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? Sex Addiction

A good article, however most men who see prostitutes are not lacking in social skills in fact quite the reverse. Sex Addicts often have very good social skills. It is problematic for men especially if the use sex as a 'defense' to have sex with a partner who knows them. The function of addiction is using pleasure to run from feelings.

The Abundant Life

Recovery from Addiction is not primarily about stopping something! In Alcoholics Anonymous stopping drinking is called a "dry drunk" In Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous stopping sex or romance is often just sexual/romantic anorexia....i.e. avoiding sex/romance is not the goal.

The Goal of recovery is to have life more abundantly....addictions prevent the abundant life. Addictions just make the abundant life unlikely if not impossible. Addictions move away from creativity, anything meaningful and intimacy with ourselves and others. Ironically, addicts think of recovery as some form of 'dieting'.... as deprivation.