Sexual Addiction Recovery

ISOLATION!!!!

2012-01-12T19:43:00.000-08:00

Science has shown us quite clearly. Isolation, loneliness and little emotional support is as bad for us as heavy smoking*. If we don't have feedback and support our life satisfaction is diminished considerable along with life expectancy. To live life long and healthy.....WE NEED PEOPLE!!! We know that addiction and disease are made worse by isolation.

So what keeps us from more meaningful connections with others? Inertia, rejection, fear of conflict?.....what ever it is we need friends. We need those people who care about us and we them. It is risky. They can reject us and after all they aren't any more perfect than we are...sometimes less so. But that meaningful caring...both ways...that our lives become brighter.

Relationships, like a house, need regular maintenance. Make calls....check in....care. For your own good.

Great NewsWeek Article

2011-12-01T10:53:00.000-08:00

A wonderful article on Sex Addiction came out yesterday in NewsWeek based on Sex Addicts themselves. http://bit.ly/rylmi7

Help for 'stuck' conversations.

2011-11-02T12:29:00.000-07:00

Free help for 'stuck' conversations. I use this one with my wife.....It works!

BEING HEARD EXERCISE

This exercise has been designed to help couples to move beyond the anger*** and defensiveness that have kept them from hearing each other and from being heard. This exercise is simple…but may be, at times, hard to do.

1^st. Both must agree to all of the rules and to a time and place. If it is not convenient for one person then that person needs to come up with an alternative time within 24 hrs (hopefully sooner)

2^nd You must decide which one of you will ‘listen’ first and which one of you will ‘talk’ about issues first.

3^rd The ‘talking’ person can talk about anything they want (relationship conflict, problems as they see it, or anything else) for 3 minutes. The ‘listening’ person tries to understand the issues from the ‘talking persons perspective. Having a note pad is helpful, writing down exact quotes with special emphasize on any feelings of the ‘talking’ person.

4^th At the end of 3 minutes the ‘talking’ person gives the listening person 2 compliments or attributes of the listening person. Examples are especially helpful. (i.e. “I liked the way you take time to make me coffee. It shows commitment to us and I feel loved.”). The ‘listening’ person gets to decide whether they like the compliments (did it feel good?) or not.

5^th The ‘listening person ‘feedsback’ what they heard. This is the most difficult part. The ‘listening person needs to think of themselves like a court stenographer or tape recorder. Don’t interpret what the ‘talking’ person said. Just the facts as the ‘talking person said them….’feedback’the exact phrases and feelings. Remember the ‘talking’ person is ALWAYS the expert in what they say. (even if you believe it’s not true). The goal is for the ‘talking’ person to feel understood.

6th Now reverse the process. The ‘talking’ person is the ‘listening’ person and visa versa.

“DIALING DOWN” OUR ANGER

Anger is one of the filters that commonly blocks communication. Anger is a powerful emotion that allows us to know when something needs our attention. However anger is a secondary emotion. It usually comes up in reaction to something someone else has done.

If we can “dial down” to a level just below our anger, it is sometimes possible for us to find out what we are reacting to -- the core feeling that has been activated in us -- the most important emotion we need to identify and communicate to our partner. It requires some vulnerability to do this. Not everyone is comfortable with feeling guilty or sad or anxious. But these are the feelings that need to be identified and shared if true communication is going to take place.

Serenity and Humility

2011-07-08T22:05:00.000-07:00

Humility is The Central way to stay connected to reality. The latin root Humus i.e earth, ground^[1]) refers to any organic matter that has reached a point of stability. Our mind skews reality toward ourselves....our own importance. This tendency causes us alot of pain and problems. We worry about our image, our future. We think of ourselves being more (narcisstic) or less (neurotic) We can't get ourselves out of our head. The world however is not limited to our self involved thoughts.

The Buddhists remind us "Our suffering is caused by our expectations"

Try practicing being in the moment. Notice how constant the inner chatter is keeping us feeling separate. Just be present. You can have serenity.

Sex Addicts see a distorted reality.

2011-03-05T19:53:00.000-08:00

It can be said that all mental problems have something in common...a predictable detachment from reality. Sex addiction is no different. These detachments from reality are very predictable. Addicts frequently have thoughts such as "what my wife doesn't know won't hurt" or "all guys cheat" or "I just have a high sex drive" or "I'll stop after this" or "I can this...it's not that bad" Sex Addicts have different thinking about sex than non sex addicts.

Sex addicts forget or deny the consequences of their behavior. Amazingly sex addicts, when moving toward acting out, cannot remember how bad they feel after they have visited a prostitute or had anonymous sex with a stranger or how it depressing to have 'failed again' after a 3 hour binge on pornography. Often addicts think that sex is their most important need....like heroin and a user.

Similarly Alcoholics can't remember how bad the last hangover felt but only the 'feel better' of the next drink.

Sex addicts don't see that their addiction is eating away at all that is meaningful and joyful in their lives often putting their jobs, relationships and creative pursuits at risk.

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? | Sex Addiction

2011-02-18T21:21:00.000-08:00

Why Do Men Pay for Sex? Sex Addiction

A good article, however most men who see prostitutes are not lacking in social skills in fact quite the reverse. Sex Addicts often have very good social skills. It is problematic for men especially if the use sex as a 'defense' to have sex with a partner who knows them. The function of addiction is using pleasure to run from feelings.

The Abundant Life

2011-01-13T19:28:00.000-08:00

Recovery from Addiction is not primarily about stopping something! In Alcoholics Anonymous stopping drinking is called a "dry drunk" In Sex and Love Addicts Anonymous stopping sex or romance is often just sexual/romantic anorexia....i.e. avoiding sex/romance is not the goal.

The Goal of recovery is to have life more abundantly....addictions prevent the abundant life. Addictions just make the abundant life unlikely if not impossible. Addictions move away from creativity, anything meaningful and intimacy with ourselves and others. Ironically, addicts think of recovery as some form of 'dieting'.... as deprivation.

Are We Really as Sick as our Secrets???

2010-12-18T21:45:00.000-08:00

Wikipedia, the free encyclopedia: "Even in the fourth century B.C., Plato touched upon the subject of anonymity and morality in his parable of the ring of Gyges. That mythical ring gave its owner the power of invisibility, and Plato observed that even a habitually just man who possessed such a ring would become a thief, knowing that he couldn’t be caught. Morality, Plato argues, comes from full disclosure; without accountability for our actions we would all behave unjustly".

All addicts not in recovery lie/mislead those around them. Accountability is unlikely if it leads to severe consequences. Full disclosure make addictions difficult. We would then have to be responsible for our actions and feelings. And if are fully response-able then we would deal with life directly make the possibility of a more directly 'abundant life' possible and likely.

From the DIGITAL DHRAMA

"There’s an oft-heard maxim in the recovery community: “We’re as sick as our secrets.” Every now and then you will hear someone mention it at a meeting or occasionally in private conversation—often as punctuation for a particularly typical story that someone has told. We may say these things—may in fact occasionally give them some thought—but I suspect that many of us do not follow this particular thought through to its logical conclusion.

Just what secrets are we talking about? Certainly we all have things about our pasts that we would just as soon were not public knowledge. Some of us even have things that we swore we would never tell to another human being. When, however, we limit ourselves only to the secrets of the past, we are only addressing part of the problem.

How many unpleasant little secrets are we harboring today? We tell ourselves that we are “happy, joyous and free,” but just how free are we? I put it to you that if we are harboring anything that we would not willingly tell another person, then there are issues in our lives that need to be addressed, whether or not they seem to have anything to do with addiction and recovery.

If recovery were only about not sexing drinking, and drugging, the problem would be solved by a few days, weeks, or—at most—months of abstinence. The obvious fact that addicts often relapse weeks, months, even decades after becoming abstinent is proof that there is more to it than merely staying off the sauce. Addicts and alcoholics are, by definition, people who do not know how to live normal lives. Many of us arrested our normal growth at a very early age, by changing the focus of our lives from the process of maturation to the acquisition and use of our drugs of choice (whether chemical or not).

If we have been thus handicapped since our early adulthood or, in many cases, since early adolescence or even before, we will have failed to learn a great many crucial living skills, such as handling personal finances, applying for jobs, keeping our surroundings neat and clean, and so forth. Parents or other caregivers who unconsciously resisted our growing up and leaving the nest may even have exacerbated this. The way in which our perception and use of these abilities is skewed over time by addictive disease means that a period of re-programming to a balanced view of life will almost certainly be required before we can again assume our places as parents, spouses, employees, employers, and so forth.

This is what recovery is about: learning or relearning, after years of dysfunction, the skills of normal living. Until we are well on the way to doing so, our inadequacies may combine with situations of high stress and convince us that we might as well return to drugs, alcohol and/or other addictions, since this recovery thing is not working all that well for us. This is why we need supports—people who have made their way successfully through the confusion and fear inherent in “growing up all over again,” and who are able to help us over the rough spots.

By now you may have lost track of the secrets issue, or may think that I have. Nope. There is more to living a recovering lifestyle than simply learning a new bag of tricks, for as we become more skillful at living we also become more skillful at putting up a good front and making ourselves look good (perhaps even to ourselves) when in fact our behavior may not be as healthy as we think."

Are we willing to really see ourselves as others see us? To quit the life of "quiet desperation". To have people who understand us deeply and set us free from our oppressive secrets. If we have kind understanding support we may choose the path of recovery.....of abundance.

Don L. Mathews MFT,
Director, Impulse Treatment Center

Rachel Uchitel Defends Love Addiction, Shares Plan to Taser People | PopEater.com

2010-12-01T15:06:00.000-08:00

Rachel Uchitel Defends Love Addiction, Shares Plan to Taser People | PopEater.com: "http://www.popeater.com/2010/12/01/rachel-uchitel-love-addiction-celebrity-rehab/

Excellent article on Love addiction Recovery

Bay Area Sex Addiction Therapist's Blog

2010-11-27T22:32:00.000-08:00

Dopamine and Why Just saying "no" doesn't work.

Bay Area Sex Addiction Therapist's Blog

2010-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

Acting Out vs Acting In

2010-11-04T11:16:00.000-07:00

"Acting out" is moving negative emotions into addiction behavior with the purpose of not feeling those feelings. "Acting In" is trying not to 'act out' but without recovery (of the real self) which leads to feelings of deprivation and irritability. Recovery is dealing effectively with emotions. (ie learning to identify and verbalize/feel emotional nuances. Central to recovery is a support system and healthy boundaries.
A 'Dry Drunk' in Alcoholics Anonymous is the same concept to "Acting In" Recovery is not just stopping a behavior. Recovery is moving into a deeper more meaningful life with people who can see us and care about us....because we show honesty in telling on ourselves. It takes courage to be in recovery.

Sex addiction is a feminist victory. - By Hanna Rosin - Slate Magazine

2010-09-30T00:19:00.000-07:00

Sex addiction is a feminist victory. - By Hanna Rosin - Slate Magazine A historical perspective.

FOXNews.com - The Poor Man's Guide to Dealing With Sex Addiction

2010-09-29T21:10:00.000-07:00

FOXNews.com - The Poor Man's Guide to Dealing With Sex Addiction
At Impulse Treatment Center, we strongly believe therapy should available for everyone. We believe in both group therapy and sliding scale for all clients with low income.

Co-Sex Addicts Need Help Too | Psychology Today

2010-09-19T21:36:00.000-07:00

Co-Sex Addicts Need Help Too Psychology Today

Hypersexual Disorders and the Brain | Sex Addiction

2010-09-16T07:46:00.000-07:00

Hypersexual Disorders and the Brain Sex Addiction

Excellent Article on how the Brain forms Addictions

The Treatment of Sex Addiction - An Analytic Approach

2010-08-10T21:22:00.000-07:00

The Treatment of Sex Addiction - An Analytic Approach

This is an enlightened article on "analytic" approach to Sex Addiction. Well thought out!

How does sex addiction affect families? – Sexual Addiction Blog

2010-07-09T23:03:00.000-07:00

How does sex addiction affect families? – Sexual Addiction Blog

What is sexual aversion? – Sexual Addiction Blog

2010-06-28T20:39:00.000-07:00

What is sexual aversion? – Sexual Addiction Blog
Maureen is an excellent therapist whom I can personally vouch for.

Kids Know Pornography When They See It « Sexual Recovery Institute Blog

2010-06-26T12:38:00.000-07:00

Kids Know Pornography When They See It « Sexual Recovery Institute Blog

Sex addiction in the therapeutic spotlight

2010-06-25T22:38:00.000-07:00

Sex addiction in the therapeutic spotlight

When Your Partner Is a Sex Addict - Consults Blog - NYTimes.com

2010-06-07T00:15:00.000-07:00

When Your Partner Is a Sex Addict - Consults Blog - NYTimes.com: "March 15, 2010, 8:26 am
When Your Partner Is a Sex Addict
By THE NEW YORK TIMES"

Disturbing Effects of Sex Addiction | TopNews United States

2010-05-19T01:17:00.000-07:00

Disturbing Effects of Sex Addiction TopNews United States

Treatments for Sex Addiction

2010-05-17T19:58:00.000-07:00

Treatments for Sex Addiction

Aristotle's Feminist Subject: Recovery: Sex Addiction, Silence, and Women

2010-04-26T19:02:00.000-07:00

Aristotle's Feminist Subject: Recovery: Sex Addiction, Silence, and Women

Infidelity not a death sentence » Sex Addiction Los Angeles

2010-04-25T18:03:00.000-07:00

Infidelity not a death sentence

Is Sex Addiction Real?: Experts Debate; Treatment Centers Thrive Using 12-Step Programs

2010-04-21T20:51:00.000-07:00

Is Sex Addiction Real?: Experts Debate; Treatment Centers Thrive Using 12-Step Programs

News article and Live chat

2010-04-07T16:58:00.000-07:00

A large news article interviewing us (staff at Impulse Treatment Center) about Sex Addiction today in the San Jose Mercury News, the Oakland Tribune and the Contra Costa Times. Join us for a Live Chat at WWW.contracostatimes.com tomorrow Thursday at 12:30 to 1:30 pm online.

http://www.mercurynews.com/top-stories/ci_14824644?nclick_check=1

The Hoopla w/Tiger and Sex Addiction

2010-04-06T21:57:00.000-07:00

It seems everyone has an opinion about Tiger Woods and Sex Addiction. Yes, Tiger is a huge celebrity. Jesse James too. But why is this hoopla soooo big? Opinions are everywhere...usually very simplistic. "Sex Addiction is just a copout" "Sex can't be an addiction. It's just about bad choices" "Guys are Guys what do you expect" Nothing really about Tiger. It's called projection.

We project all the time. It's human. When we don't have enough information. When we're emotional....we guess about the other person. The more adament we are the more likely we're projecting our 'shadow' on to the other. Prejudice is made up of two ingredients fear and lack of knowledge. Tiger is the perfect projection object. We think we know him because we've seen him so much. And we know men who "play' around. But do we???

Being simplistic helps us to deal with anxiety....of not knowing. Have you ever noticed how many times during an arguement people seemed to know so many more exact details about some point of conflict. "I know and you don't" Later when we calm down we 'may' acknowledge that we overstated our position (some characterlogical challenged people never do this). Acting as if we 'know' feels so much better.

Woman who have been cheated on often project Tiger and his ilk cannot change. "Men are just like that." What about the 'sports' and men's room chats or newshows. "Sex can't be an addiction." Could it be that alot of men don't like 'Sex Addiction' as a diagnosis because some of the diagnosis is close to home. Sex addiction looks at men's sexual behavior closely and points out some destructive possibilities. Many men don't like the diagnosis of Sex Addiction.

And what about the some Sex Therapists who are adament that sex can't be an addiction. 'Adament' is quite different than 'being open to explore' like a good scientist. Science is starting to find more supportive evidence in favor of the concept of sex addiction (see the Journal of Compulsive and Addictive Behaviors Sage Press). It's still early. For now, I'm convinced by how many men report that their lives are better being in recovery for sex addiction. Help they didn't get from previous therapists.

I stay away from the Hoopla and all the projection.

Sex Addiction Treatment and Issues

2010-04-06T07:23:00.000-07:00

Good Article from South Africa
"Sex addiction is an illness that is experienced worldwide by men and women from different backgrounds and cultures. When a person is a sex addict, they suffer from a (problem) capable of destroying the lives of not only the sufferer but of their families as well.

Sex addiction can be managed with a recovery programme and therapy but whilst in the grips of this addiction, sufferers cannot escape their obsessive and compulsive behaviour. Often sex addiction is experienced with other addictive behaviours such as drug use and eating disorders. They are all behaviours of the same disease of addiction. Similar to other addictions such as drug addiction and alcohol addiction, sex addiction is based on obsessive and compulsive needs.

The behaviour of a sex addict can include repeated empty affairs, compulsive masturbation, frequent use of prostitutes and other sex services and in extreme cases can even progress to exhibitionism, voyeurism, child molestation and rape. Sex addicts however are not bad people. Their condition is not a moral failing: It is a spiritual unrest.

Why is Sex Addiction So Destructive?In some Twelve Step fellowship support groups, ‘bottom line behaviour’ is identified. Bottom line behaviour is a term used to define the specific sex addict’s behaviours which they act out on. Most sex addicts experience ‘intrigue’ which is the mental preoccupation with sexual acts. Objectifying people, constant obsession with sexual acts, flirting and generally spending much time with the preoccupation of sex is the mental state of a sex addict. These obsessions are then followed by the compulsive acting out on sexual behaviours. Sex addiction is progressive (I don't agree that it's necessarily progressive). It may begin with compulsive masturbation and an affinity for pornography which then develops into a serious problem involving the use of prostitutes, money troubles, families being broken up and unemployment, further to which suicide can be a consequence. When sex addiction has progressed to a severe level, the sex addict is unable to resist the impulse to act out on their sexual behaviours. They become more involved with the behaviours for longer periods of time, with greater intensity and violence to have the desired effect, resulting in their responsibilities being neglected. Without being able to fulfil their obsession and act out on the behaviour, they become irritable, restless and angry. Despite the desire to abstain and stop the sexual compulsivity because their lives are beginning to crumble, they are unable to do so. They are powerless over their sexual addiction and their lives begin to become completely unmanageable.

TreatmentSex addiction is treatable, but incurable. Yet with therapy, abstinence from the disordered sexual behaviours and maintaining a programme of recovery on a daily basis, a sex addict can regain a normal life again. Inpatient treatment in a counselling centre can be extremely beneficial to a sex addict seeking help for their problem. Many sex addicts will be in a state of denial about their problem but once they have admitted that they have a problem, they can begin the healing recovery process. Inpatient treatment will usually provide group therapy and individual therapy which have been found to be the most successful methods of dealing with sex addiction. Treatment facilities are a safe place for sex addicts to recover where they can process their condition with experienced and understanding people. They need never be alone in their struggle again. Whilst in a rehabilitation centre, a sex addict will need to begin working a daily programme of recovery, such as the Twelve Steps. There are fellowships which are devoted to helping sex addicts receive support and help in their behaviour.

For a sex addict to be abstinent from the behaviour does not mean that they must stay celibate for the rest of their life – it is a normal human behaviour to engage in sexual acts, just not ones which begin to destroy their lives and keep them in a terrible cycle of shame and self loathing. A sex addict who turns to celibacy as a way of dealing with the problem is not addressing the root cause – similar to a ‘dry drunk’.

With proper treatment and therapy, coupled with a programme of recovery, a sex addict can begin to lead a happy and normal life again. A recovery programme will keep a sex addict aware of their behaviours and dangerous situations which may lead to relapse and will teach them tools to cope with daily life.
Oasis Counselling Centre is a rehabilitation centre in Plettenberg Bay, South Africa

Tiger Woods in Recovery

2010-04-05T12:29:00.000-07:00

A thing of beauty....a long, shot off the tee that takes the breath away of the gallery. We witnessed another kind of beauty today from Tiger. His recovery in action. As he stated "My fun is back" in life and golf. He's 'centered' in his 'real self' where meaning, honesty, values and aliveness converge. You can't fake this for long. Tiger's countenance was consistent with a man who has rediscovered himself....his deep self. Tiger's back!!! He's a passionate man with deep good men (not like before) surrounding him. Tigers in the "zone". He's not fighting himself like he was before November 2009. He was moving away from everything of meaning of real value in his life. Listen to todays interview. I did and felt a kind of joy. Of course he can slip again but he knows that and is preparing himself for the temptations out there.

Hypersexual new name for Sex Addiction

2010-02-10T00:47:00.000-08:00

In "The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Psychiatry" newly proposed addition DSM-5, Sex addiction will formally be validated by the ultimate in psychological and insurance industries. The debate "is there such a thing as sex addiction?" is mostly over. Sex Addiction's new name will be Hyersexuality. Insurance will be forced to pay for treatment for those suffering from Sex addiction/compulsion. Go to www.dsm5.org to see the proposed changes. Compulsive gambling will now be a formal disorder also.

I have worked in the field of Sex Addiction for 25 years and tonights announcement validated my life time work and the suffering of sex addicts and their families all over the world. This is huge! More will be revealed......

Tiger Woods opens discussions on Sex Addictioon

2010-01-23T19:18:00.000-08:00

Amazing amount of interest has been created into the life and sexual behaviors of Superstar Tiger Woods. His image of a 'nice guy' and a 'family man' and his Superstar status has jetisoned Tiger to the top of Blogs, twitter and news media. Many question the idea of 'sex addiction' being a legitimate psychological disorder. It is not in the DSM-IV (the therapist/insurance bible)
It probably will be in the next addition to come out as “hypersexuality” It will have critiria such as ‘repeated sexual behaviors that continue to put a person at risk for physical diseases, financial distress, relational problems, moral and criminal problems. These are real issues addressed by thousands of 12 step groups (Sex Addict Anonymous, Sex and love Addict Anoymous, etc) as well as therapy centers and specialized therapists. Most people resort to therapy when their ’self will’ has failed….
Currently there is increasing scientific evidence about how the brain functions which lend itself to validating why/how addictions work. On why some people have difficulty making good decisions with their own sexual behaviors. There is some gender basis to this. Men have less connections between the right and left hemispheres so non-relational sex is more likely including ‘body parting’ objectifications, anonymous encounters etc. It is both natural and at times problematic. Women because of the right brain/left brain hemisheric connectedness have more romantic or ‘love’ addictions. ‘Love’ addiction, of course, is not a clinical term but a discriptive term Woman read pulp novels and soap opera dramas much more than men.Many people have a concern over the term ’sex addiction’ because it sounds like therapists are now the new ‘moral’ police hence the hostility in some of the news media. My job as a therapist is to help people with their problematic sexual behaviors. If you like polygamy for instance, that is your choice. It’s not a clinical issue. It does not mean you are a ’sex addict’. If you have a long standing pattern of failed relationships, being trustworthy and it appears related to your sexual behaviors I would as your therapist explore that with you. Sex addicts really don’t have alot of control at times. Sex addicts are not liberated by their behaviors. They are driven compulsively and destructively. They are lost in part of their brain that doesn’t think well. An MRI would show this. The ‘high’ from sex can, as any pleasureable emotion, be used as a defense against other more unpleasant feelings. When this is done in a fashion that causes major life problems. I call that sex addiction because it is most understood (and misunderstood). Sex addiction is not nor will it ever be… a clinical term.
Changing the term won’t help much in ending the many controversies of human sexual behaviors….clinically or in the general public. It is quite simplistic to think of sexual behaviors as just immoral or liberating sex.

Sex Addiction...the intimacy disorder

2009-11-05T18:38:00.000-08:00

Sex Addiction has been called by many experts (myself included) as an intimacy disorder. Interestingly 'sex addicts' are probably more sensitive to others feelings and often considered 'nice guys' (well liked).....so how can this group have an intimacy disorder? Sex addicts have two major problems areas. The 1st area is having a sex addiction itself. Sex addiction is, like all addictions, ways to 'check out' emotionally. Partners often feel disconnected. "What's in his head" they often ask. Addicts have a history of being raised to look good and be good.....not to be real about emotions or behaviors. Addicts learn to take care of their own emotional needs because deep down they have shame/guilt pockets in their personalities. Sex feels good and is intense enough to sooth these feelings. Ironically sex for a sex addict is easier to do if one is not too close emotionally (like a partner or spouse).
Secrets are the second area of intimacy damage.... especially when they have a major negative impact on one's partner. Trust is undermined . Without trust sustained intimacy is impossible. Addicts need practice in intimacy which is why group therapy or 12 step is the prefered treatment. Sex addicts need sobriety and honesty....and they can't do intimacy without others

Peace of mind or being 'Grounded'

2009-10-17T22:56:00.000-07:00

To be 'in touch' with ourselves is necessary and difficult. To feel what is actually going on inside especially deeper more subtle feelings is how we stay 'grounded' or have more inner peace Checking in with others through therapy, 12 step meetings, friends etc. are very necessary to be in recovery. Not just, as recoverying people, because we are commited to being accountable but because it gives us 'feedback' from others and a conscious way of sorting things out.

Checking in with just oneself through journaling, meditation/prayer or just being quiet is also very helpful. We drill down into our deeper feelings by trying to consiously feel them. Feelings are very important pieces of information about ourselves and how we perceive things. Feelings are the 'go between' between the environment and ourselves. If we lose 'touch' with ourselves our lives will be joyless and without passion.

This inner world of feelings is what some call our "inner child" The precious, vulnerable center of our being....where passion, creativity, spirituality and intuition come from.

Don L. Mathews MFT

Developing intimate friendships

2009-10-03T22:18:00.000-07:00

Recovery calls for deep friendship. Friends we let see deep inside us....the "real" self.....and we can see deep inside them. We can't do recovery by ourselves. Many have tried. We have to risk looking bad. Breaking shame/guilt takes taking the risk to let others see where we have fallen short. Recovery is about breaking the old family patterns of looking good and secretly getting our needs met thru meaningless sexual behaviors.

Don Mathews MFT

Courage...

2009-09-28T13:27:00.000-07:00

It takes courage to get better. Courage to admit we are less than we hoped. Then we don't lose as much energy defending ourselves. We see others getting better in their recovery and that strengthens us. We find our stories of addiction actually helps others. DLM

Starting Out....

2009-09-22T08:22:00.000-07:00

Recovery starts with being honest. Honesty with another person is the foundation of all that follows. To look directly at problems, to deal with problems, to not be burdened with shame and guilt....we need help from others. Many try to stop addictions by themselves....usually because of embaressment. This is where courage is necessary. Warning though....you need to find a helpful, compassionate listener you can trust.

Don Mathews MFT

Becoming whole.

2009-09-04T03:03:00.000-07:00

Sex addicts are split off from themselves and others. Our public self....our secret self. We lose integrity because of this split. We are in a bind between the pleasure offered by the addiction and not wanting to deal with the consequences. So we decide to just not tell anyone. We are only as sick as our secrets. Our 'real' self suffers because we know deep down we are living a lie. This lie attacks our self esteem.

Regular honesty and accountability are necessary to break this internal split. But whom to talk with??? What would people think of you??? It takes courage to be in recovery...to heal the split...to confront that shame and guilt. In Alcoholics Anonymous there is a saying "I need help, I can't do this alone." So much moreso for sex addicts because of the shame/guilt. Along with 'turning over' the secret addiction to others is the relief of stepping out from under the heavy load of secrecy. Most sex addicts especially those in relationships feel better/lighter beginning recovery (which begins with honesty).

The partner/spouse may feel worse which is why we started a Partners of Sex Addicts Program. The largest longest running program of it's kind. Partners often break their own integrity in 'checking on ' or 'trying to hurt' or 'threatening' or 'ignoring' or 'going along with the addict behaviors' or just 'staying in a relationship that is so dysfunctunal'. CoAddicts have to deal with the reality of their own predicament.

More will be revealed.....

Don L. Mathews MFT

Like to twitter?

2009-07-27T20:26:00.000-07:00

You can tweet me at www.twitter.com/impulsecenter with questions or ideas. Don M

Facing the Shadow

2009-07-27T18:26:00.000-07:00

Many of you know me. I've counseled so many sex addicts for the past 25 years I've lost count. Helping men and a few woman 'Out of the Shadow'. The secret life. A meaningless, mesmerizing, sweaty stroll thru life ...from porn to affairs, chat rooms, cybersex, prostitutes fetishes....legal problems, broken relationships, money issues and always shame and guilt.....until recovery. So many many men have told me how dramatic the change has been. To live a life of honesty and integrity. To like oneself. To not feel so driven or at least not heading for the worst 'acting out' anymore.

Different than traditional therapy where the goal is to go into ones 'family of origin' and review it from different angles ...hoping that there will be a 'break thru' that will miraculously bring relief from Sex Addiction. Sexual Addiction is closer to habit formation (strong neural pathways in the brain) than a traumatic event. Even though, many do have strong negative events 'how do those cause an addiction?' The need to run from negative feelings is central in understanding the 'cause'

I've also noticed many who have prayed or meditated hoping for a miracle. "Cheap Grace' as some call it. The vast majority of people do not stop compulsive sex this way. We need other recovering people. I asked one of my groups the other day "Which helps you more a therapist (including me) or the caring accountablity of other recovering 'brothers in recover'. All agreed a close caring support group. At Impulse Treatment Center we have 10 groups and are on the verge of moving to a larger office. Many in our program become very close.. life long buddies. Many people in our program augment our program with 12 step groups.....many don't. It really comes down to what is working for each person.

NextBlog ...It's not as much about giving up sex as about honesty....It's more about becoming more of who you are...your real self.

Don L. Mathews MFT, Director http://www.sexaddicttreatment.net/
Impulse Treatment Center
2940 Camino Diablo Ste 110 email ImpulseCenter@Gmail.com
Walnut Creek CA
(925) 280 6700